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Puked my thoughts onto this blog

I always thought that I can't really get along with people. That my habits, thoughts, likes and
dislikes are too weird for general folks.
After travelling with a bunch of people with variation of gender/age/personalities, I have realized that others are equally snobby/fussy.
Its just that they carry it on their sleeves, or impose the same on others. I am more like, live and
let live. And if something isn't my kind of thing, I will just withdraw.
Maybe I will object it, sometimes. But actually most of time I will just take a step back.

Oh, of course I will sometimes pretend to be in it. But soon I will get tired of play acting.
In the end, people think I am mean/loner/selfish. And it has taken my decades to accept it.

Yes, I am a bit selfish. Not just that I can be judgmental or mean. I take a joke badly, but
sometimes can crack a joke that could hurt the wrong way(yeah, one of the reason I shut up and don't
say much)

And yet there are times I am loss at words. I will just stare and smile and not say anything. Because
in the quest of saying something good or right I end up saying nothing.

But lets come back to self-acceptance about something people have said a lot of times to me and I have fought and denied it.

Selfish. I only think about myself. Self-survival.

I don't know how many of you guys know me that much, but I am sure I have done something for you to claim this.
And I have denied it. I don't live in denial anymore.
I asked myself why?
Am I looking for pity? or is it self pity.
no.
Maybe I am fed up of being a fake. Its who I am. I come with strings attached that are dragging me
like anchors. But those are still my anchors to drag about. And I won't weigh others down with them.

Oh no, I am not being some kind of angel of burden.
One more self realization that I have had is that I am no special. Actually my ordinariness is that I
am just about average in everything and mostly bad at most things. Just like millions out there.

You know how middle class marathi mothers are, they make you think you are special.

Well, I will be damned if I try to portray myself as some kind of enlightened guru.
I am not, I have still lot of knots that put my mind in a mess at regular intervals. Well, I hope I
sort them out in the next decade.

mockery

my emotions are being baked

in the fire of our arguments

we mostly avoid being honest

as it just leads to harsh reaction

we try to smile for everyone 

and keep busy to forget hollowness

and when comes the occasional ray of light

we dance around it to celebrate another day of life

sliding back into darkness

on the cusp of hopelessness I hold out my hand
the breeze brushes against it I feel chills
I try and close my hand expecting it to be warm
with the touch of someone who cares to pull me out
my hand gasps at nothingness and slumps down
I feel my heart sink into a pit of shame
regret forms waves and splashes at my feet laughing
at my despair and eyes can only let out a tear solitary

dreams

I had a dream, few days back. Like any other dream, the locations end up getting mashed up. But highlight was that I was in New York. And I was with one of my school classmates. Its not unusual that she should show up in my dream being the only girl from my class with whom I am loosely in touch with. (I saw loosely, because I absolutely suck at staying in touch with people)
Anyway, surprisingly there weren't any potter references. But actually it turned out I was about to cheat on my wife with her. And then the dream pulled wife in, and we all were at Time Square. Shit was slowly starting to make less and less sense. Few conversations later I am chasing my wife back in a temple in India. So yeah, nothing sensible happens in my dreams.

But its still better than having dreams within a dream. Yes, I do get those. I wake up, and think that was a dream. And soon I realize something is wrong and then I actually breakup. Dream within a dream.

On a rare occasion, I have managed to realize I am in a dream and tried to do ridiculous things I wouldn't do in real life. But that didn't happen again.

Most recurring theme, is going somewhere and then being unable to find a way out. Or loosing something or someone and not being able to find them.

I don't really give much thought to dreams, for me they are a manifestation of our over creative minds. Its just that usually I know why certain dream was triggered but sometimes I just can't place the reason.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Happy dreaming.

Sweet Coincidence

I was startled, no way!
I wish I could scramble out of class and go out.
I kept looking at the watch and even our lecturer noticed my anxiety.
"Do you have to be somewhere else?"
Of course, the wimp that I am, how could I say or bluff my way out of it.
I just nodded "No", and sneakily kept counting the minutes.

Finally when the lecture ended, I took my time to let the lecturer get back to staff room.
And when I walked out to her classroom, I couldnt' hear usual commotion.
But neither could I hear anyone teaching.
And it turned out to be that the class was mostly empty, I mean she wasnt there except a few of her classmates.

I started walking back to my class dejectedly, and got lost in my thoughts.
I almost bumped into her as she left the staff room.
I uttered sorry and turned to continue walking. Even though it happened quickly, I felt time slow down.
My heart telling me to stop and chat. But even though I saw her pause and felt her expecting some small talk.
I just kept walking away.

After the adrenaline rush has washed off, began, the self talk.
"I should have at least said, pointing to my tshirt, Linkin Park. You too ? Or same pinch Linkin park " . 'No thats childish."

I mean a sweet coincidence doesn't come about daily.
And our paths won't cross again as I was in CS and she was in Mass Media.

That night, I dreamt talking to her about our favorite linkin park song for hours.
Chester's singing, shinoda's rapping, the riffs of course the lyrics and so on.

more of the same

the crinkled remains of my thoughts

the ashes of my misdoings

the crumbling walls of my actions

the open door of outgoing voices

the broken windows of hurt souls

live every moment in subdued pain

believe the delusion that everything is fine

turn the page to life everyday 

hoping that it will get better

yet go to a corner everyday 

to let tears stream and dry on cheeks

let the pen scramble across the paper 

yet dont diagnose yourself with depression 

dont think you are one of a kind picture of human tragedy

victim of someone else's wrongdoings 

you are the fruit of your misgiving

maybe its the may you are built 

just like a typhoon that destroys everything in its path 

or the volcano that just blows and blows and burns everything

knowing no better way to go about itself 

maybe ending it is ....

is it better...

will it be a cure.. 

or will it be another unending slide into more ..

of the same

fear

i constantly kept looking over my shoulder,

i had to do something quick no time to ponder.

the moon had sneaked behind a black veil,

to make it worse just needed a deafning wail.

uncomfortable chill in the air yet I was sweating,

already sprung hair on neck were warning,

fear snaking up around my mind with undefined horrors.

crumpled at corner the paper in my hand,

the source of my whole paranoia.

trembling hands lifted and dropped the paper,

already imagining the grimace I just wilted.

my father looked at the grade report,

and all that he said was ..

"Kaartyaa!! Naapass jhalas!! " (rascal, you failed)

lunatic

i am feeling a bit down,

but I am not chasing a frown.

Maybe there is another outlook,

but it all seems covered in soot.

I was witness to the purge,

to put out the fire I had no urge.

maybe I did the start the fire,

and let all her memories burn.

Closure in flames I seek,

got nothing but relapse.

Maybe Maybe maybe I am a coward,

shining shining shining is my head.

As the moon shines on my head,

and soon people will call me a lunatic.

life

can it really help not sure about it

some say it heals bit by bit

the aching of heart is softened

longing of mind is shortened

does a dream really is the answer

to mind that is really fragile

chaos of colliding thoughts

trouble my hapless mind

heart weighs in its own agenda

putting my body through painful grind

had to drag me feet to the bed

nothing happens even with eyes closed

staring at meaningless shadows with despair

hoping something would bring an end

maybe I am dreaming it yet not believing

maybe its so lucid whatever I am dreaming

feels so vivid so real that it hurts

maybe someone can wake me up with nudge

is there a totem like they said in stories

that helps us tell apart whats unreal

I close my eyes, touch my cheeks

tears are still there and my heart beats weak

yes I am still living not dreaming

the nightmare that I call my life