sliding back into darkness

on the cusp of hopelessness I hold out my hand
the breeze brushes against it I feel chills
I try and close my hand expecting it to be warm
with the touch of someone who cares to pull me out
my hand gasps at nothingness and slumps down
I feel my heart sink into a pit of shame
regret forms waves and splashes at my feet laughing
at my despair and eyes can only let out a tear solitary

dreams

I had a dream, few days back. Like any other dream, the locations end up getting mashed up. But highlight was that I was in New York. And I was with one of my school classmates. Its not unusual that she should show up in my dream being the only girl from my class with whom I am loosely in touch with. (I saw loosely, because I absolutely suck at staying in touch with people)
Anyway, surprisingly there weren't any potter references. But actually it turned out I was about to cheat on my wife with her. And then the dream pulled wife in, and we all were at Time Square. Shit was slowly starting to make less and less sense. Few conversations later I am chasing my wife back in a temple in India. So yeah, nothing sensible happens in my dreams.

But its still better than having dreams within a dream. Yes, I do get those. I wake up, and think that was a dream. And soon I realize something is wrong and then I actually breakup. Dream within a dream.

On a rare occasion, I have managed to realize I am in a dream and tried to do ridiculous things I wouldn't do in real life. But that didn't happen again.

Most recurring theme, is going somewhere and then being unable to find a way out. Or loosing something or someone and not being able to find them.

I don't really give much thought to dreams, for me they are a manifestation of our over creative minds. Its just that usually I know why certain dream was triggered but sometimes I just can't place the reason.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Happy dreaming.

Sweet Coincidence

I was startled, no way!
I wish I could scramble out of class and go out.
I kept looking at the watch and even our lecturer noticed my anxiety.
"Do you have to be somewhere else?"
Of course, the wimp that I am, how could I say or bluff my way out of it.
I just nodded "No", and sneakily kept counting the minutes.

Finally when the lecture ended, I took my time to let the lecturer get back to staff room.
And when I walked out to her classroom, I couldnt' hear usual commotion.
But neither could I hear anyone teaching.
And it turned out to be that the class was mostly empty, I mean she wasnt there except a few of her classmates.

I started walking back to my class dejectedly, and got lost in my thoughts.
I almost bumped into her as she left the staff room.
I uttered sorry and turned to continue walking. Even though it happened quickly, I felt time slow down.
My heart telling me to stop and chat. But even though I saw her pause and felt her expecting some small talk.
I just kept walking away.

After the adrenaline rush has washed off, began, the self talk.
"I should have at least said, pointing to my tshirt, Linkin Park. You too ? Or same pinch Linkin park " . 'No thats childish."

I mean a sweet coincidence doesn't come about daily.
And our paths won't cross again as I was in CS and she was in Mass Media.

That night, I dreamt talking to her about our favorite linkin park song for hours.
Chester's singing, shinoda's rapping, the riffs of course the lyrics and so on.

more of the same

the crinkled remains of my thoughts

the ashes of my misdoings

the crumbling walls of my actions

the open door of outgoing voices

the broken windows of hurt souls

live every moment in subdued pain

believe the delusion that everything is fine

turn the page to life everyday 

hoping that it will get better

yet go to a corner everyday 

to let tears stream and dry on cheeks

let the pen scramble across the paper 

yet dont diagnose yourself with depression 

dont think you are one of a kind picture of human tragedy

victim of someone else's wrongdoings 

you are the fruit of your misgiving

maybe its the may you are built 

just like a typhoon that destroys everything in its path 

or the volcano that just blows and blows and burns everything

knowing no better way to go about itself 

maybe ending it is ....

is it better...

will it be a cure.. 

or will it be another unending slide into more ..

of the same

fear

i constantly kept looking over my shoulder,

i had to do something quick no time to ponder.

the moon had sneaked behind a black veil,

to make it worse just needed a deafning wail.

uncomfortable chill in the air yet I was sweating,

already sprung hair on neck were warning,

fear snaking up around my mind with undefined horrors.

crumpled at corner the paper in my hand,

the source of my whole paranoia.

trembling hands lifted and dropped the paper,

already imagining the grimace I just wilted.

my father looked at the grade report,

and all that he said was ..

"Kaartyaa!! Naapass jhalas!! " (rascal, you failed)

lunatic

i am feeling a bit down,

but I am not chasing a frown.

Maybe there is another outlook,

but it all seems covered in soot.

I was witness to the purge,

to put out the fire I had no urge.

maybe I did the start the fire,

and let all her memories burn.

Closure in flames I seek,

got nothing but relapse.

Maybe Maybe maybe I am a coward,

shining shining shining is my head.

As the moon shines on my head,

and soon people will call me a lunatic.

life

can it really help not sure about it

some say it heals bit by bit

the aching of heart is softened

longing of mind is shortened

does a dream really is the answer

to mind that is really fragile

chaos of colliding thoughts

trouble my hapless mind

heart weighs in its own agenda

putting my body through painful grind

had to drag me feet to the bed

nothing happens even with eyes closed

staring at meaningless shadows with despair

hoping something would bring an end

maybe I am dreaming it yet not believing

maybe its so lucid whatever I am dreaming

feels so vivid so real that it hurts

maybe someone can wake me up with nudge

is there a totem like they said in stories

that helps us tell apart whats unreal

I close my eyes, touch my cheeks

tears are still there and my heart beats weak

yes I am still living not dreaming

the nightmare that I call my life

Regression

i flutter on the two edges of a sharp blade

wherever I touch it will just be another nick

but do I learn from my own ways

destructively I move along is it ignorance or recklessness

belly full of lies I carry them hidden behind a veil

charade I play will maybe be guessed by somebody

surely it will shake me from my complacent slumber

and yet I will regress back to what I am inside

Dying

what do you call someone who is dying
but that someone doesnt want to die
to live longer than anyone has ever
but the rot in his body is incurable

maybe the waves of time have eroded
scrapped away the good bits
and leaving just ugliness and lifelessness
this rot left behind is overpowering

there is not way out when its dark
and the long claws of eventuality
feel like creeping closer every moment
probability is just a word not used anymore

strewn around are discarded powerless words
hope miracle magic prayer left lying in dust
with blessings crumpled in a corner
as the dust bin of empathy and sympathy overflows

don't mistake it for deathbed rambling
that cliche has long been lost
this walking alive zombie wouldn't look amiss
in the scramble for shangrila of happiness

what do you call someone who cant filter
cant deduce cant realize cant live
yet is afraid to die and be free
from a life that just oozes pain

<......Aging struggles.....>

Sight of the first grey,,,,

Is that a wrinkle you say....

But I still feel sharp,,,,

Sometimes I forget don't snark....

I do wish to have it back,,,,

But thing I lost has no map....

Furiously they hit me them waves,,,,

A fusion of guilt and regret....

My mind tries to bring sanity,,,,

Isn't recollecting good memories just vanity....

Nothing new am used to chaotic mind,,,,

Its my depleting youth that has me in a bind....

I crave the youthful days,,,,

When time and energy I had to spare....

Did nothing back then in laziness,,,,

Felt I had whole life left...

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