Regression

i flutter on the two edges of a sharp blade

wherever I touch it will just be another nick

but do I learn from my own ways

destructively I move along is it ignorance or recklessness

belly full of lies I carry them hidden behind a veil

charade I play will maybe be guessed by somebody

surely it will shake me from my complacent slumber

and yet I will regress back to what I am inside

Dying

what do you call someone who is dying
but that someone doesnt want to die
to live longer than anyone has ever
but the rot in his body is incurable

maybe the waves of time have eroded
scrapped away the good bits
and leaving just ugliness and lifelessness
this rot left behind is overpowering

there is not way out when its dark
and the long claws of eventuality
feel like creeping closer every moment
probability is just a word not used anymore

strewn around are discarded powerless words
hope miracle magic prayer left lying in dust
with blessings crumpled in a corner
as the dust bin of empathy and sympathy overflows

don't mistake it for deathbed rambling
that cliche has long been lost
this walking alive zombie wouldn't look amiss
in the scramble for shangrila of happiness

what do you call someone who cant filter
cant deduce cant realize cant live
yet is afraid to die and be free
from a life that just oozes pain

<......Aging struggles.....>

Sight of the first grey,,,,

Is that a wrinkle you say....

But I still feel sharp,,,,

Sometimes I forget don't snark....

I do wish to have it back,,,,

But thing I lost has no map....

Furiously they hit me them waves,,,,

A fusion of guilt and regret....

My mind tries to bring sanity,,,,

Isn't recollecting good memories just vanity....

Nothing new am used to chaotic mind,,,,

Its my depleting youth that has me in a bind....

I crave the youthful days,,,,

When time and energy I had to spare....

Did nothing back then in laziness,,,,

Felt I had whole life left...

---------

I am back

I am back. I am back. I am back.

But does anyone read blogs anymore?
But then I never really did it because someone read it.
I would just post what came to my mind.

Usual way of doing things could be to list out whats going on with my life. But then there is Facebook/Instagram for that.

I cant believe how much I have changed since I stated writing this blog.
But none of these changes are skin deep, probably.
Maybe its evolution. But one thing has not changed.

I still feel lonely, even if surrounded by people.
Maybe it stems from my insecurity that people misunderstand me or don't understand me at all.
Sounds like teen post but then this is what maybe is called, midlife crisis.

Maybe I just like using this label to hide something else.
But I am yet to find it, the reason for this conflict in my mind.

Health and Wealth are my primary concerns and they are correlated to two important person of my life who depend on me and possibly care about me. My wife and my kid.

Other family members and friends have their own troubles and I am in condition to help them and so I distance myself. Maybe it makes me a sociopath or not. I dont really know.

But I miss my sister a lot. Maybe you are reading this, Sameeta.

I am not a vocal person, unless probed a lot.

But I am not interested in going too deep into my thoughts today.

So health/wealth I need to take of these two, especially my off work interests needs both.

Cycling and Running.

I call myself NoonRunner because that was the time I have run most. But I am not a good runner, I am more like a average runner. Yes I have completed 1 FM and 1 50kms Ultra. But I also have a DNF at 50kms Trail Ultra.

Maybe that's the weight hanging on my head. And I made a promise to myself that I will go back to Matheran stronger and complete a run of 50 kms.

I want to talk a lot about running but I did that recently on another forum.

But no way I am talking about cycling till I sort out what type of cycling I like to do and I am good at too.

Well thats all for now, I am charged up to write more now.
Maybe soon I will have more posts.

Retards of my office

I am going to "diss" some people. So if you are the sensitive types, please stay away. 

I guess retard wouldn't be the right word to describe them. Ideally they should be called insensitive bastards. 

But then by calling them dimwit retards sounds less aggressive. 

These shitheads in my office, who sit in vicinity of my office desk but thankfully aren't part of my team are such pain to the brain, that one could bleed grey matter if that was possible after listening to their drivel. 

Here is a list of their antics that drives me to madness. 

-they make statements which I later realize are jokes when they all "lol" at the same time. And this "lol" isn't just proverbial they do it literally. So yes a sad nonsense of humor. 

-they discuss their stuff loudly from a distance instead of walking over and not disturb everyone else

-this one person laughs everytime she talks, its like drinking water at the same time you are chewing food

-then there are the usual irritators who burp loudly, pick their teeth, use obnoxious perfume/deo

-some who leave their chairs in middle of walkways around their desks forcing people to dodge chairs while walking. 

-and now that we are on it, there are people who wear clothes that are either loud or inappropriate office wear 

-not to forget jerks with crass ringtones,

-or bigger jerks that play songs on low volume but still audible 

Blogging dead? Maybe.

So is blogging dead? Maybe its true. People find easier to express themselves with twitter and instagram. Not only that whatsapp and/or snapchat keeps them occupied. But then maybe blogging will go back to what it began as, online journal. Hopefully Google won't kill it. I am not sure how much I can contribute. Because there is so much on my mind and yet I can't just type everything. And so many things are going on. Chief among them is midlife crisis that I am slowly sliding into, with no resolution in sight.

man with no mind of his own

Yes. It's possible. The reason behind it is cowardice.
Because this man is afraid of negative reactions to his decisions.
And for him the easy way out is to let others do what they want.
But why does he feel this way.
Clearly he may not be right all the time.
And of course he will willingly accept the fault of his ways. Yet at times when he is right, he doesnt speak his mind.
And then ends up doing what others want.
And after people are used to his behaviour, he decides to wake up and act more proactively, he ends up being alienated.
Now the question remains will the fear rececde or will there be a relapse into cowardice.

Fatherhood thoughts Vol.1

Looking at my few weeks old son does make me a bit mushy. This movie quote springs to mind.

I want to do something with him that's his first time. I'm going to look in his face when he tries ice cream. Every time he has ice cream for the rest of his life, he's going to see my fucking face.

---From the film "the place beyond the pines"

In the corner of your mind

it seems vague

life as it shapes

rising to occasion

without any concession

not the easiest job

makes mess of thoughts

hard to decide the "rights"

"wrongs" come with ease

running away isn't choice

suicide isn't really bright

you don't seek perfection

neither have selfish intentions

you visualize only darkness

unusual dread sets in

optimist inside you is no more

pessimist completes takeover

still a flame flickers somewhere

but is blown away soon

it may not seem as bad

but it keeps getting worse

you keep straight face

slap on a smile for heck

as you try to hide it

somewhere in the corner of your mind

Gravity 3D : Review

I watched this movie really late, and I mean late in the sense that it may be the last show of Gravity 3-D in Mumbai.
Thankfully I watched it and came out more than impressed. It deserves the tag of "Best movie of 2013".
It is surely one of the best movies ever, and deserves at least a couple of Oscar nominations.
Its really a special movie, as it has only 4 characters. Oh yes, two human characters and two non-human characters. I will leave you to come to conclusion as to which are the other two.
Both human characters have been played by experienced actors, so there isn't any fault in their performances. Of course, Sandra Bullock shines through and reminds me of character "Ripley" played by Sigourney Weaver in sci-fi horror flick "Alien".
And what can be set about the "space" where this movie is set in. You feel it around you. You feel its not Sandra who is up there, but you. You feel the mixed emotions that any space walker feels, the silence, the solitude, the amazement of looking at our blue planet and maybe the aching of going back home.
There are so many themes in this movie, maybe as homage, I am not sure, ranging from "Alien" to "Wall-E". Giving out more details will spoil the experience. But do look out for "baby in womb" thematic.
Anyway, the beauty of this movie is very well enhanced by the use of 3D at the right time, giving you the thrill of a space misadventure. There will be lots of "oh shit! No!" "damn! thats beautiful" "come on you can do it"
moments, you know them, sometimes referred to as "the edge of seat".
I don't know how many of you have seen it. But those who have missed it, have really missed a gem of a movie in which there is nothing wrong. All the technical aspects of this movie, be it sound, direction, narration, plot, dialogues, acting are just perfect. But put it all aside, its what makes you feel is what is more important. And Gravity makes you feel the pull, the pull of a magnificent space action drama, that should not be tied down to one specific schematic genre. "You need to learn to let go" ......