Dying

what do you call someone who is dying
but that someone doesnt want to die
to live longer than anyone has ever
but the rot in his body is incurable

maybe the waves of time have eroded
scrapped away the good bits
and leaving just ugliness and lifelessness
this rot left behind is overpowering

there is not way out when its dark
and the long claws of eventuality
feel like creeping closer every moment
probability is just a word not used anymore

strewn around are discarded powerless words
hope miracle magic prayer left lying in dust
with blessings crumpled in a corner
as the dust bin of empathy and sympathy overflows

don't mistake it for deathbed rambling
that cliche has long been lost
this walking alive zombie wouldn't look amiss
in the scramble for shangrila of happiness

what do you call someone who cant filter
cant deduce cant realize cant live
yet is afraid to die and be free
from a life that just oozes pain

<......Aging struggles.....>

Sight of the first grey,,,,

Is that a wrinkle you say....

But I still feel sharp,,,,

Sometimes I forget don't snark....

I do wish to have it back,,,,

But thing I lost has no map....

Furiously they hit me them waves,,,,

A fusion of guilt and regret....

My mind tries to bring sanity,,,,

Isn't recollecting good memories just vanity....

Nothing new am used to chaotic mind,,,,

Its my depleting youth that has me in a bind....

I crave the youthful days,,,,

When time and energy I had to spare....

Did nothing back then in laziness,,,,

Felt I had whole life left...

---------

I am back

I am back. I am back. I am back.

But does anyone read blogs anymore?
But then I never really did it because someone read it.
I would just post what came to my mind.

Usual way of doing things could be to list out whats going on with my life. But then there is Facebook/Instagram for that.

I cant believe how much I have changed since I stated writing this blog.
But none of these changes are skin deep, probably.
Maybe its evolution. But one thing has not changed.

I still feel lonely, even if surrounded by people.
Maybe it stems from my insecurity that people misunderstand me or don't understand me at all.
Sounds like teen post but then this is what maybe is called, midlife crisis.

Maybe I just like using this label to hide something else.
But I am yet to find it, the reason for this conflict in my mind.

Health and Wealth are my primary concerns and they are correlated to two important person of my life who depend on me and possibly care about me. My wife and my kid.

Other family members and friends have their own troubles and I am in condition to help them and so I distance myself. Maybe it makes me a sociopath or not. I dont really know.

But I miss my sister a lot. Maybe you are reading this, Sameeta.

I am not a vocal person, unless probed a lot.

But I am not interested in going too deep into my thoughts today.

So health/wealth I need to take of these two, especially my off work interests needs both.

Cycling and Running.

I call myself NoonRunner because that was the time I have run most. But I am not a good runner, I am more like a average runner. Yes I have completed 1 FM and 1 50kms Ultra. But I also have a DNF at 50kms Trail Ultra.

Maybe that's the weight hanging on my head. And I made a promise to myself that I will go back to Matheran stronger and complete a run of 50 kms.

I want to talk a lot about running but I did that recently on another forum.

But no way I am talking about cycling till I sort out what type of cycling I like to do and I am good at too.

Well thats all for now, I am charged up to write more now.
Maybe soon I will have more posts.