Thursday, December 08, 2005

Why Relationship Fail 2 – Lack Of Trust

By Sanket ‘been there…done that’ Kambli

Last time I had written a feature on fear of commitments. Continuing on this trend, let us take a look at other reasons for a failed love relationship.
It can be regarded as a fragile element of relationships which needs continual nurturing. Guess what it is
This week we focus on trust, and how its absence can bring down a relationship.
Trust is foundational because it creates a safe environment for intimacy to grow. If your relationship is going to work you need to be able to trust your partner with your past, your present and your future. Trust is supposed to be an intangible concept, meaning its definition is not bound in boundaries of sentences.
People often will trust a total stranger before trusting an intimate partner because that total stranger cannot hurt them like they imagine a partner can. Tony Robbins (counselor) tells a great story about how we all trust every single day of our lives while driving our cars. The fact of the matter is--it takes a great deal of trust to drive down a road at 70 kmph with another car coming the other way at 70 kmph and only one white line separating the two of you. The potential for danger is great--you don't know that other person; you don't know if they've been drinking; you don't know if they'll stay on their side of the road. That, my friend, takes a lot of trust. When we trust someone, we are willing to enter into a trusting relationship we are willing to conduct ourselves differently engage in a wider range of actions, and also to be more open to a variety of experiences. To develop and flourish a relationship, trust is an important ingredient. When trust erodes, the relationship deteriorates. The behavior of other person, starts evoking a doubtful response from us, acting like poison, silently killing the relationship. Mistrust has a devastating impact on relationships and on the types and quality of conversations that will occur. One or two instances can raise important and lingering questions, which may remain in the background and have a silent but devastating impact on the quality of the relationship. In spite of being an inherent part of a relationship, it is unfortunately taken for granted. We may only become aware of its importance when we feel trust has been broken.
That is why it is said that, "Trust is the glue which holds relationships together"
But what is trust?
Alan Sieler (relationship expert) says, "It can be claimed that trust is simultaneously a bodily sensation, an emotion and a linguistic phenomenon (a judgment or an opinion). It’s a gut feeling that can be the emotional and bodily component of trust.
Generally trust is also associated with sincerity and reliability.
Trust allows you to reveal who you really are.
Trust opens the door to honest communication.
Once you've cleared up your communication, trusting your partner will help you to fight fair when disagreements occur.
Building trust takes time; you need to show your partner that you are trustworthy and that you trust them in return. If your partner has trouble trusting, you can do a lot to create an environment where trust can grow.
As advocated by, Susie and Otto Collins, the secret is constant communication, one moment at a time.
It's about practicing honesty and not hiding, no matter how painful the truth is. Think of two important people in your life who are part of your relationships network. One with which you have a positive relationship, and one which is not so positive. What differences do you find in your assessments of sincerity, reliability and competence for each relationship? What is different for you emotionally and bodily in these assessments? What is different about the quality of the conversations? What conversations and other actions, by both you and the other person, need to occur for trust to be built? What small steps are you willing to begin to take to have these conversations? Lastly, can we rebuild trust? This clearly depends on whether you and the other person are ready and willing to take corrective action. In other words, I may be able to let go of resentment, I may come to understand the other person and forgive him, but if I do not see evidence of his willingness to make changes, it may not be possible for me to trust him again. Clearly, rebuilding trust is a gradual process that can take weeks, months, or even years. If you are the type of person who is constantly running across clues that concern you, sit down alone and consider the nature of your trust. Do you actively believe that your partner is committed to the relationship and looking out for both of your best interests? Do you believe that, if your partner was feeling discontent or unsatisfied, he or she would come to you first? Or, deep down, do you believe your partner is capable of breaking your commitment to one another? If the latter is true, you are simply tolerating the situation and waiting for wrongdoing. This is not trust and that fact needs to be examined.

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