Fear of Commitment in Relationships:

Collated by Sanket 'fear guide' Kambli

This is one fear, which won't find any place on AXN's Fear Factor Show.

This phobia was experienced by someone close to me, eventually pushing me to explore it, and I was able to gather quite healthy material. Check it out.

Relationship expert Toni Coleman says.
We hear it all the time.
"He just won't make a commitment."
"She just wants some space right now."
"I'm not sure if I'm ready for a serious relationship."
"I'm just under a lot of stress right now."
"It's not you, it's me."
"I can't focus on a relationship right now because of my overloaded schedule."

And we all accept these reasons.
Mostly because, either it keeps away the real truth or maybe we are confused by our feelings, and response from the other person.

What does having a fear of commitment really mean?
It simply means what it says. For some reason you, or someone you are involved with, isn't ready to take this relationship (or any relationship) to the next step.
Commitment phobia definition– this is the fear and avoidance of having to commit to anything, but especially relationships.
But before venturing further, what could be the possible reason a person cannot sustain or commit to a long-term relationship






Here are a few collaborated ones:
    1. They are perfectionists. No relationship is ever perfect. Sally says, “I know there are no perfect men out there, but somewhere there is a man who is perfect for me.”

    2. They are lust seekers. The new relationship brings chemical high. Three years is usually as long as this high can be sustained.

    3. They are hunters. The thrill of the hunt is the best part. A guy laments the end of his last relationship then says, in an excited tone of voice, “That’s it. I’m in my hunting form again!”

    4. They are happy being single. They have built a life around being single. They have friends, social activities, and a lifestyle that would no longer exist with marriage.

    5. They can’t commit. They may or may not know this, but a long-term relationship is out of the question for them.

    6. The fear of being controlled.   Do you have strong feelings about having anyone control your life?  Do you come from a family in which one parent dominated the other?  Did your parents try to control you?  Do you hate being with someone who tells you what to do?  In a relationship, somebody else is going to have some power over your life.

    7. Trapped.  What if you make a commitment to someone and you end up feeling trapped?  What if you end up feeling “tied down” and you can’t get out?  What if another person’s presence, needs, ideas, personality and vision impinge on your territory, crowd your space and take away your freedom?  

    8. The fear of giving up sexual freedoms.   Some men and women are afraid of losing the option to choose others.

    9. The fear of being bored to death.  What could be more claustrophobic than the feeling of being entombed in a dull, ordinary marriage?  Some people equate commitment with boredom.

    10. The fear of physical or emotional limitations.  People who make a commitment to each other agree that they will make certain accommodations for the good of their relationship.  But accommodating another human being can make one feel boxed in and uncomfortable. This can produce a kind of emotional claustrophobia.  For example, you might think that if you become a committed couple you have to take all vacations together, go to all parties together, spend all weekends in shared activities together, present a united front to the world, and so on.

Regardless, these commitment-phobic men and women enter relationships but their anxiety eventually leads to the end of that relationship.

Well some psychologists have even sketched a few symptoms.
It can express itself in all kinds of different ways, but typically sufferers may exhibit any of these:
    * Being overly critical of the other partner in the relationship, and/or the relationship as a whole.
    * Annoying / hurting the other person, thus sabotaging the relationship, even if it’s considered to be working well.  An example of this might be consistently turning up late for things – whether with apologetic excuses, or not.
    * Being scared of getting noticed, because the other person might want to start a relationship.  In fact, they'll often reject other people from the word go, so that a relationship barely gets off the starting blocks.  The feeling behind this, can be to protect themselves from even the prospect of allowing others’ to get too close.
    * At the other end of the scale, a commitment phobic, may be flirtatious and appear to want the attentions of other interested parties, desiring even a longer-term physical relationship.  But, eventually the fear can, and often does, win out and the other person gets pushed away, leaving broken hearts in its wake.
    * Fearing being swamped by others, and thus losing sight of who they feel they really are.
    * Unable to face or explore the prospects, issues, or thoughts, of living together, or getting married.
    * Some commitment phobics may want to find Mr. or Miss Right and get married, but will often have somewhat unrealistic ‘ideals’ over possible suitors.  Often friends and relatives notice and will often make comments like: 'you're being too picky', and ‘Mr. /Miss Perfect’ just doesn’t exist.'
    * Sometimes they'll fall in love with other people who just aren’t interested in forming an intimate relationship.  The reasoning behind this can be that the commitment phobic has, (deliberately, or otherwise), chosen a person who can’t/won’t, form a lasting relationship, and so they are ‘safe’ from having to make that long-term commitment.
    * There is also the type of sufferer who enters a relationship, can’t commit, then leaves at some point, only to return sometime later, before leaving yet again.  This yo-yoing can happen time and time again leaving hurt, bewilderment and distrust in its wake.
    * There can be the avoidance of having to commit to anything.  This can also involve jobs, tasks, timekeeping, as well as personal relationships / friendships.  Interestingly, it can even involve undertaking treatment for the commitment phobia itself.


Let us look at steps to overcome fear of commitment as provided in the book,
“He’s Scared, She’s Scared” by Carter and Sokol (M. J. F. Books).

Ø    Recognize your fears and know how you act when you are afraid.  Fear of commitment is about fear.  Fear of being stuck, trapped or tied down; fear of losing options; fear of losing freedom; fear of losing control; fear of dependence; fear of being bored; fear of leading an ordinary life; fear of making a mistake or repeating a mistake.  Be very specific in examining precisely what it is you’re trying to avoid of protect yourself from.
Here’s a good way to do this:  Starting with parents and other relatives, think about all the people you know in long-term relationships.  Make a list of what it is about these relationships that makes you uncomfortable—and that you don’t want to duplicate in your own life.  Then think about all the people you know who have lives or jobs that you consider settled but dreary.  Make a list of everything you consider negative or stultifying about their lives.  Then think about how these fears might be determining your behaviors.   Have any of your choices in your relationships been extreme reactions to some of these fears?
Ø      Learn how to make small commitments and small choices.  What are the non-romantic choices in your life that paralyze you?  Making firm appointments? Deciding what to wear?  What to eat?  Which organizations, if any, to join? Which interests to pursue?  Which movie to see?  What type of computer to purchase?  Which car?  When to take a vacation?
Start with the commitments that you perceive to be less intimidating and begin to take small steps in overcoming your conflicts.  As your successes accumulate over time, challenge yourself to take on slightly more ambitious commitments.  Don’t torture yourself with unnecessary pressure, but keep building slowly.

Ø     Stop acting on your conflicts, by running away.   When we are unhappy or dissatisfied with a situation, a person or a decision, sometimes it seems as though the only way out is to run away or to do something similarly outrageous.  As humans we have been gifted with the ability to communicate with one another.  Use that gift.

Ø      Make a commitment to being fully accountable in all your relationships.  If you say you are going to call, call.  If you make a lunch date, keep it.  If you say you’re going to visit, do so.  With everyone you know, become totally reliable.  Don’t always give yourself 101 ways out of every situation, no matter how trivial.  Obviously sometimes conflicts arise, and even the most important plans sometimes need to be changed.  But this should be an exception in your life, not the norm.

On a parting note, hope you all benefited from my compiled write-up.
Anyway feedback and opinions are always welcome.