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Moved blog to https://sankoobaba.wordpress.com/

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Puked my thoughts onto this blog

I always thought that I can't really get along with people. That my habits, thoughts, likes and
dislikes are too weird for general folks.
After travelling with a bunch of people with variation of gender/age/personalities, I have realized that others are equally snobby/fussy.
Its just that they carry it on their sleeves, or impose the same on others. I am more like, live and
let live. And if something isn't my kind of thing, I will just withdraw.
Maybe I will object it, sometimes. But actually most of time I will just take a step back.

Oh, of course I will sometimes pretend to be in it. But soon I will get tired of play acting.
In the end, people think I am mean/loner/selfish. And it has taken my decades to accept it.

Yes, I am a bit selfish. Not just that I can be judgmental or mean. I take a joke badly, but
sometimes can crack a joke that could hurt the wrong way(yeah, one of the reason I shut up and don't
say much)

And yet there are times I am loss at words. I will just stare and smile and not say anything. Because
in the quest of saying something good or right I end up saying nothing.

But lets come back to self-acceptance about something people have said a lot of times to me and I have fought and denied it.

Selfish. I only think about myself. Self-survival.

I don't know how many of you guys know me that much, but I am sure I have done something for you to claim this.
And I have denied it. I don't live in denial anymore.
I asked myself why?
Am I looking for pity? or is it self pity.
no.
Maybe I am fed up of being a fake. Its who I am. I come with strings attached that are dragging me
like anchors. But those are still my anchors to drag about. And I won't weigh others down with them.

Oh no, I am not being some kind of angel of burden.
One more self realization that I have had is that I am no special. Actually my ordinariness is that I
am just about average in everything and mostly bad at most things. Just like millions out there.

You know how middle class marathi mothers are, they make you think you are special.

Well, I will be damned if I try to portray myself as some kind of enlightened guru.
I am not, I have still lot of knots that put my mind in a mess at regular intervals. Well, I hope I
sort them out in the next decade.

mockery

my emotions are being baked

in the fire of our arguments

we mostly avoid being honest

as it just leads to harsh reaction

we try to smile for everyone 

and keep busy to forget hollowness

and when comes the occasional ray of light

we dance around it to celebrate another day of life

sliding back into darkness

on the cusp of hopelessness I hold out my hand
the breeze brushes against it I feel chills
I try and close my hand expecting it to be warm
with the touch of someone who cares to pull me out
my hand gasps at nothingness and slumps down
I feel my heart sink into a pit of shame
regret forms waves and splashes at my feet laughing
at my despair and eyes can only let out a tear solitary

dreams

I had a dream, few days back. Like any other dream, the locations end up getting mashed up. But highlight was that I was in New York. And I was with one of my school classmates. Its not unusual that she should show up in my dream being the only girl from my class with whom I am loosely in touch with. (I saw loosely, because I absolutely suck at staying in touch with people)
Anyway, surprisingly there weren't any potter references. But actually it turned out I was about to cheat on my wife with her. And then the dream pulled wife in, and we all were at Time Square. Shit was slowly starting to make less and less sense. Few conversations later I am chasing my wife back in a temple in India. So yeah, nothing sensible happens in my dreams.

But its still better than having dreams within a dream. Yes, I do get those. I wake up, and think that was a dream. And soon I realize something is wrong and then I actually breakup. Dream within a dream.

On a rare occasion, I have managed to realize I am in a dream and tried to do ridiculous things I wouldn't do in real life. But that didn't happen again.

Most recurring theme, is going somewhere and then being unable to find a way out. Or loosing something or someone and not being able to find them.

I don't really give much thought to dreams, for me they are a manifestation of our over creative minds. Its just that usually I know why certain dream was triggered but sometimes I just can't place the reason.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Happy dreaming.

Sweet Coincidence

I was startled, no way!
I wish I could scramble out of class and go out.
I kept looking at the watch and even our lecturer noticed my anxiety.
"Do you have to be somewhere else?"
Of course, the wimp that I am, how could I say or bluff my way out of it.
I just nodded "No", and sneakily kept counting the minutes.

Finally when the lecture ended, I took my time to let the lecturer get back to staff room.
And when I walked out to her classroom, I couldnt' hear usual commotion.
But neither could I hear anyone teaching.
And it turned out to be that the class was mostly empty, I mean she wasnt there except a few of her classmates.

I started walking back to my class dejectedly, and got lost in my thoughts.
I almost bumped into her as she left the staff room.
I uttered sorry and turned to continue walking. Even though it happened quickly, I felt time slow down.
My heart telling me to stop and chat. But even though I saw her pause and felt her expecting some small talk.
I just kept walking away.

After the adrenaline rush has washed off, began, the self talk.
"I should have at least said, pointing to my tshirt, Linkin Park. You too ? Or same pinch Linkin park " . 'No thats childish."

I mean a sweet coincidence doesn't come about daily.
And our paths won't cross again as I was in CS and she was in Mass Media.

That night, I dreamt talking to her about our favorite linkin park song for hours.
Chester's singing, shinoda's rapping, the riffs of course the lyrics and so on.

more of the same

the crinkled remains of my thoughts

the ashes of my misdoings

the crumbling walls of my actions

the open door of outgoing voices

the broken windows of hurt souls

live every moment in subdued pain

believe the delusion that everything is fine

turn the page to life everyday 

hoping that it will get better

yet go to a corner everyday 

to let tears stream and dry on cheeks

let the pen scramble across the paper 

yet dont diagnose yourself with depression 

dont think you are one of a kind picture of human tragedy

victim of someone else's wrongdoings 

you are the fruit of your misgiving

maybe its the may you are built 

just like a typhoon that destroys everything in its path 

or the volcano that just blows and blows and burns everything

knowing no better way to go about itself 

maybe ending it is ....

is it better...

will it be a cure.. 

or will it be another unending slide into more ..

of the same

fear

i constantly kept looking over my shoulder,

i had to do something quick no time to ponder.

the moon had sneaked behind a black veil,

to make it worse just needed a deafning wail.

uncomfortable chill in the air yet I was sweating,

already sprung hair on neck were warning,

fear snaking up around my mind with undefined horrors.

crumpled at corner the paper in my hand,

the source of my whole paranoia.

trembling hands lifted and dropped the paper,

already imagining the grimace I just wilted.

my father looked at the grade report,

and all that he said was ..

"Kaartyaa!! Naapass jhalas!! " (rascal, you failed)

lunatic

i am feeling a bit down,

but I am not chasing a frown.

Maybe there is another outlook,

but it all seems covered in soot.

I was witness to the purge,

to put out the fire I had no urge.

maybe I did the start the fire,

and let all her memories burn.

Closure in flames I seek,

got nothing but relapse.

Maybe Maybe maybe I am a coward,

shining shining shining is my head.

As the moon shines on my head,

and soon people will call me a lunatic.

life

can it really help not sure about it

some say it heals bit by bit

the aching of heart is softened

longing of mind is shortened

does a dream really is the answer

to mind that is really fragile

chaos of colliding thoughts

trouble my hapless mind

heart weighs in its own agenda

putting my body through painful grind

had to drag me feet to the bed

nothing happens even with eyes closed

staring at meaningless shadows with despair

hoping something would bring an end

maybe I am dreaming it yet not believing

maybe its so lucid whatever I am dreaming

feels so vivid so real that it hurts

maybe someone can wake me up with nudge

is there a totem like they said in stories

that helps us tell apart whats unreal

I close my eyes, touch my cheeks

tears are still there and my heart beats weak

yes I am still living not dreaming

the nightmare that I call my life

Regression

i flutter on the two edges of a sharp blade

wherever I touch it will just be another nick

but do I learn from my own ways

destructively I move along is it ignorance or recklessness

belly full of lies I carry them hidden behind a veil

charade I play will maybe be guessed by somebody

surely it will shake me from my complacent slumber

and yet I will regress back to what I am inside

Dying

what do you call someone who is dying
but that someone doesnt want to die
to live longer than anyone has ever
but the rot in his body is incurable

maybe the waves of time have eroded
scrapped away the good bits
and leaving just ugliness and lifelessness
this rot left behind is overpowering

there is not way out when its dark
and the long claws of eventuality
feel like creeping closer every moment
probability is just a word not used anymore

strewn around are discarded powerless words
hope miracle magic prayer left lying in dust
with blessings crumpled in a corner
as the dust bin of empathy and sympathy overflows

don't mistake it for deathbed rambling
that cliche has long been lost
this walking alive zombie wouldn't look amiss
in the scramble for shangrila of happiness

what do you call someone who cant filter
cant deduce cant realize cant live
yet is afraid to die and be free
from a life that just oozes pain

<......Aging struggles.....>

Sight of the first grey,,,,

Is that a wrinkle you say....

But I still feel sharp,,,,

Sometimes I forget don't snark....

I do wish to have it back,,,,

But thing I lost has no map....

Furiously they hit me them waves,,,,

A fusion of guilt and regret....

My mind tries to bring sanity,,,,

Isn't recollecting good memories just vanity....

Nothing new am used to chaotic mind,,,,

Its my depleting youth that has me in a bind....

I crave the youthful days,,,,

When time and energy I had to spare....

Did nothing back then in laziness,,,,

Felt I had whole life left...

---------

I am back

I am back. I am back. I am back.

But does anyone read blogs anymore?
But then I never really did it because someone read it.
I would just post what came to my mind.

Usual way of doing things could be to list out whats going on with my life. But then there is Facebook/Instagram for that.

I cant believe how much I have changed since I stated writing this blog.
But none of these changes are skin deep, probably.
Maybe its evolution. But one thing has not changed.

I still feel lonely, even if surrounded by people.
Maybe it stems from my insecurity that people misunderstand me or don't understand me at all.
Sounds like teen post but then this is what maybe is called, midlife crisis.

Maybe I just like using this label to hide something else.
But I am yet to find it, the reason for this conflict in my mind.

Health and Wealth are my primary concerns and they are correlated to two important person of my life who depend on me and possibly care about me. My wife and my kid.

Other family members and friends have their own troubles and I am in condition to help them and so I distance myself. Maybe it makes me a sociopath or not. I dont really know.

But I miss my sister a lot. Maybe you are reading this, Sameeta.

I am not a vocal person, unless probed a lot.

But I am not interested in going too deep into my thoughts today.

So health/wealth I need to take of these two, especially my off work interests needs both.

Cycling and Running.

I call myself NoonRunner because that was the time I have run most. But I am not a good runner, I am more like a average runner. Yes I have completed 1 FM and 1 50kms Ultra. But I also have a DNF at 50kms Trail Ultra.

Maybe that's the weight hanging on my head. And I made a promise to myself that I will go back to Matheran stronger and complete a run of 50 kms.

I want to talk a lot about running but I did that recently on another forum.

But no way I am talking about cycling till I sort out what type of cycling I like to do and I am good at too.

Well thats all for now, I am charged up to write more now.
Maybe soon I will have more posts.

Retards of my office

I am going to "diss" some people. So if you are the sensitive types, please stay away. 

I guess retard wouldn't be the right word to describe them. Ideally they should be called insensitive bastards. 

But then by calling them dimwit retards sounds less aggressive. 

These shitheads in my office, who sit in vicinity of my office desk but thankfully aren't part of my team are such pain to the brain, that one could bleed grey matter if that was possible after listening to their drivel. 

Here is a list of their antics that drives me to madness. 

-they make statements which I later realize are jokes when they all "lol" at the same time. And this "lol" isn't just proverbial they do it literally. So yes a sad nonsense of humor. 

-they discuss their stuff loudly from a distance instead of walking over and not disturb everyone else

-this one person laughs everytime she talks, its like drinking water at the same time you are chewing food

-then there are the usual irritators who burp loudly, pick their teeth, use obnoxious perfume/deo

-some who leave their chairs in middle of walkways around their desks forcing people to dodge chairs while walking. 

-and now that we are on it, there are people who wear clothes that are either loud or inappropriate office wear 

-not to forget jerks with crass ringtones,

-or bigger jerks that play songs on low volume but still audible 

Blogging dead? Maybe.

So is blogging dead? Maybe its true. People find easier to express themselves with twitter and instagram. Not only that whatsapp and/or snapchat keeps them occupied. But then maybe blogging will go back to what it began as, online journal. Hopefully Google won't kill it. I am not sure how much I can contribute. Because there is so much on my mind and yet I can't just type everything. And so many things are going on. Chief among them is midlife crisis that I am slowly sliding into, with no resolution in sight.

man with no mind of his own

Yes. It's possible. The reason behind it is cowardice.
Because this man is afraid of negative reactions to his decisions.
And for him the easy way out is to let others do what they want.
But why does he feel this way.
Clearly he may not be right all the time.
And of course he will willingly accept the fault of his ways. Yet at times when he is right, he doesnt speak his mind.
And then ends up doing what others want.
And after people are used to his behaviour, he decides to wake up and act more proactively, he ends up being alienated.
Now the question remains will the fear rececde or will there be a relapse into cowardice.

Fatherhood thoughts Vol.1

Looking at my few weeks old son does make me a bit mushy. This movie quote springs to mind.

I want to do something with him that's his first time. I'm going to look in his face when he tries ice cream. Every time he has ice cream for the rest of his life, he's going to see my fucking face.

---From the film "the place beyond the pines"

In the corner of your mind

it seems vague

life as it shapes

rising to occasion

without any concession

not the easiest job

makes mess of thoughts

hard to decide the "rights"

"wrongs" come with ease

running away isn't choice

suicide isn't really bright

you don't seek perfection

neither have selfish intentions

you visualize only darkness

unusual dread sets in

optimist inside you is no more

pessimist completes takeover

still a flame flickers somewhere

but is blown away soon

it may not seem as bad

but it keeps getting worse

you keep straight face

slap on a smile for heck

as you try to hide it

somewhere in the corner of your mind

Gravity 3D : Review

I watched this movie really late, and I mean late in the sense that it may be the last show of Gravity 3-D in Mumbai.
Thankfully I watched it and came out more than impressed. It deserves the tag of "Best movie of 2013".
It is surely one of the best movies ever, and deserves at least a couple of Oscar nominations.
Its really a special movie, as it has only 4 characters. Oh yes, two human characters and two non-human characters. I will leave you to come to conclusion as to which are the other two.
Both human characters have been played by experienced actors, so there isn't any fault in their performances. Of course, Sandra Bullock shines through and reminds me of character "Ripley" played by Sigourney Weaver in sci-fi horror flick "Alien".
And what can be set about the "space" where this movie is set in. You feel it around you. You feel its not Sandra who is up there, but you. You feel the mixed emotions that any space walker feels, the silence, the solitude, the amazement of looking at our blue planet and maybe the aching of going back home.
There are so many themes in this movie, maybe as homage, I am not sure, ranging from "Alien" to "Wall-E". Giving out more details will spoil the experience. But do look out for "baby in womb" thematic.
Anyway, the beauty of this movie is very well enhanced by the use of 3D at the right time, giving you the thrill of a space misadventure. There will be lots of "oh shit! No!" "damn! thats beautiful" "come on you can do it"
moments, you know them, sometimes referred to as "the edge of seat".
I don't know how many of you have seen it. But those who have missed it, have really missed a gem of a movie in which there is nothing wrong. All the technical aspects of this movie, be it sound, direction, narration, plot, dialogues, acting are just perfect. But put it all aside, its what makes you feel is what is more important. And Gravity makes you feel the pull, the pull of a magnificent space action drama, that should not be tied down to one specific schematic genre. "You need to learn to let go" ......